(and other recent “Tails” from my life)
Monday, November 13, 2023 @ 23:55 MST
Last week, I drove to Santa Fe, New Mexico to see one of my all-time favorite musicians perform: the ever humble and talented Lisa Loeb. Storyteller and genuine soul. I was serendipitously seated next to the acclaimed author and Lisa’s teacher, Natalie Goldberg (initially unbeknownst to me), who Lisa personally invited to the show and even gave a shout-out to during her set. I had a lovely pre-show chat with Natalie, who resides in Santa Fe. I told her I was from El Paso, Texas and actually met Lisa one time in Boston, Massachusetts but had yet to hear her perform live. I brought my Tails cassette tape with me in case there was a chance for a meet and greet autograph signing afterwards. I was informed there would be. I was quite excited.
And... scared.
You see, to get to this place involved a lot of careful planning on my part. I am determined to live my life and move forward yet everything I thought I knew has changed completely. So here I was renting a car, wearing a wig, and staying at an AirBnB for a night when another version of Jess’s plans would have been much more fancy-free, something along the lines of sleeping in her car for a night in a Walmart parking lot.
But this would have put me at considerable risk. How could I do that now when a person I used to know has access to my car? And he knows how much I love Lisa Loeb? He could possibly be attending this concert. What if I am alone in a parking lot and he has access to my car. No way I can take that chance. Not anymore.
How? Precisely the question. I am not entirely sure. A piece of my car door handle is broken off, which this person knew was broken off my old car. I can only assume he broke it off this new car, as well, due to rage and immaturity. Is he breaking in? Or did he make a copy of my car key when he had full access to my home multiple times before I was aware of (and accepted) the full scope of what was happening?
About once per week now on average, my car is broken into. Things inside my car are messed with. I am presuming just so this person can let me know he has been there. That he CAN. I have called the police. As expected, the cops do not care. “Has anything of value been stolen? Are there any broken windows or shattered glass?”
If you are a man and you know the system, you know how to work around it. Anytime in the past I thought this person was showing an interest, I now believe he was profiling. Studying, learning what he could about me and others so that he could use it against any of us should it be necessary. This is what sociopaths do.
A “sociopath,” or someone with antisocial personality disorder, can appear charming and charismatic at a surface level. However, this hardly paints a complete picture.
The following are the four diagnostic criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR) by the American Psychiatric Association (APA):
A) Disregard for and violation of others’ rights since age 15, as indicated by one of the seven sub features:
1. Failure to obey laws and norms by engaging in behavior which results in criminal arrest or would warrant criminal arrest
2. Lying, deception, and manipulation, for profit or self-amusement
3. Impulsive behavior
4. Irritability and aggression, manifested as frequent assaults on others, or engages in fighting
5. Blatantly disregards safety of self and others
6. A pattern of irresponsibility
7. Lack of remorse for actions
B) The person is at least age 18
C) Conduct disorder was present by history before age 15
D) and the antisocial behavior does not occur in the context of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.
To be clear – I am not diagnosing anyone, although I do have a BA in Psychology and an MA in Music Therapy and Mental Health Counseling. I am presenting information based on my knowledge and experiences and allowing you to draw your own conclusions.
Despite the diagnostic term Antisocial Personality Disorder, sociopaths are often quite sociable and likable. They remain undiagnosed due to their elusive nature. Imagine being friends with one for twenty years.
Humans have this tendency to reject notions that do not fit what they already “know” to be true. In psychology, this is called “belief perseverance.” Recent studies are showing optimistically that certain beliefs can be shifted when presented with evidence and facts (Anglin, S. M., 2019) but what of our beliefs about humans? When you think you know someone? Are any of us truly knowable?
And this is my story. I thought I knew someone. For twenty years. The good times were so good... you know? I held onto those moments. Cherished them. Guarded them like secrets. They were sacred to me.
Writing countless songs and poems and journal entries. Finished and unfinished. Finite and infinite.
I was... in love. When I was young, I was admittedly immature. Chasing after the wrong thing at the wrong time; yet I knew how to be present. I have no regrets. I needed a friend.
And now? I have someone who I thought was a friend, with whom I was in love for years, who has repeatedly broken into my home and my car. Messing with my personal property. Using what he knows about me against me just because he can. Contaminating my cat’s water bowl. Making her sick.
The in-between details hardly seem relevant, but it involves him repeatedly disrespecting me and me setting boundaries, if you must know.
He continues to break into my car weekly. Can you even imagine? The unmitigated gall!
I find it all striking, really. His lack of maturity and regard for the law. The anger management issues that have been present for a while and I had chosen to ignore in favor of his good side. Is this what his family does? Do they know? Ugh, his family. I adore his family. But do they know? I figure they either know and are enablers or have no clue and would not believe me if I told them.
The last time I confronted him about his temper and him taking it out on me in September 2021, he told me, “I am only human” or something to this effect instead of – “You’re right; I should not be taking my anger out on you or anyone else.”
Anytime I am wrong, I try to take accountability. Even if it is uncomfortable. Embarrassing. It is what we all should strive for. When was the last time you (reading this) apologized to someone or told them that they were right? Life is not about winning. It is about teamwork, growing, making ourselves better so we can help those around us.
I (more than) once told him “I am always on your side.” He did not echo my sentiments. Telling.
I also said “I never need anything from you except honesty.”
His response: “I’m not lying about anything.”
It seems there is a reason he hates words so much. Because when he uses them, they are meaningless. Sentences especially.
Imagine breaking into my car to steal the cat pee I had scooped in a bag to have tested at the vet. Telling.
While much of this lamentably true story is sad, pathetic, and a bit hilarious (the lyric “Why you so obsessed with me?” keeps running through my head), it is also terrifying. I have to ask myself did he poison my food? My beverages? It did appear that my bottle of water I had saved from the Atlantic Ocean ended up in various places in my apartment. Three-year-old sea water is hardly something I fancy drinking, using as hand sanitizer, or gargling with as mouthwash. Or find in my cat’s drinking water. She was throwing up for weeks. Has been hiding under my bed.
And my journals. I am fairly certain he read through all of them. My most private, personal journal entries. Me working out my thoughts for myself – some of which I am open to sharing on my own terms – but to have someone read through my entries without my authorization. It is incredibly violating.
Moving things around in my apartment. Messing with things. Stealing little things. Datura flower seeds mailed to me by a music therapist friend in the Dallas/Fort Worth area, for example. Stealing photographs.
I am not sure the full scope of the damage he has caused or will continue to cause. This has been going on since August 2023. That I know of. I share this here because I am privileged enough to have a platform to do so, and I refuse to stay silent. I think he is counting on my silence.
I reached out to a person whose name and gender I will not reveal. Once I realized what was happening to me, I thought... I bet I am not the only one. There must be others.
There are.
This person’s immediate heartfelt response was something I did not expect, and I feel grateful for receiving it in a moment when I needed it most and felt unworthy of it. You see, if this person had approached me before, to warn me, I am not sure I would have believed them. I would have been defensive. MY FRIEND is the victim! This person is lying! They’re crazy!
This person’s story, involved a fun and carefree start, until my former friend gradually began belittling them privately and publicly, this person set boundaries which he did not like, he sexually assaulted them, they ended the friendship, and then the stalking began. This person BLOCKED. I have done the same.
Stalking. That word. It is a word our culture, myself included, often joke about. I have thought about the times when my former friend would casually ask me if I wanted to go for a drive by “so-and-so’s” place while we were out, often some female he used to be friends with. I responded, “Sure,” because it seemed harmless to me and I liked driving by different parts of El Paso that I had yet to see. He would comment on the lights being on or off, or cars being in or out of the driveway. Little did I realize that I was likely participating in a routine stalking for him. How many of these people, mostly women, were there for him? Women whose houses he would just casually drive by? I shudder to think.
I mentioned this to a friend recently and that friend told me that he was essentially grooming me to believe that abusive behavior is normal. So creepy.
I still remember when I confronted him about not being there for me when I first moved to El Paso and was going through depression. Did you even care if I was ok, I had asked? He responded that he drove around my apartment to see if my light was on. As if that was an acceptable alternative for checking in with your depressed friend. Back then, I accepted it.
There are untold stories we know nothing about. Believe victims. They have nothing to gain by coming forward. Beware of manipulators. They will always try to get ahead of the story by seeking out mutual friends and playing the victim, trying to get people to take their side.
I could not come forward until it felt safe to do so. Even now... It hardly feels safe.
My reasons for coming forward are to warn those who come after me. Those who resonate with what I am saying, in similar situations – seek help. Get out. You are not alone.
And those who know this person, who he has attempted to triangulate me with, for example. For him, there is always another person lined up ready to be used. Do not think you are any different. Tell him how you really feel and see how he responds. Confront him and see what happens. Try distancing yourself from him for a while and see how he takes it. Or tell him you want a relationship. You be the boss. I am attempting to spare someone else my pain because he will not be different for you. He cannot handle another person in power over him – especially a woman.
The stories I could tell... Ask me sometime. Now is neither the time nor the space.
I also am sharing my story because I have reached a resolution within. I had this silly urge to protect him, despite all that he has done. It is like I split him into two: the him I knew before, and the him after, or the good him and the bad him, and I still wanted to protect this good person I saw or knew or thought I saw or thought I knew. What would people who “knew” him think? I am finally over this. He made his choices.
This good person... does not exist. Never has. He is a shadow. A figment of our imagination, someone we thought existed. He can be whatever we want him to be whenever we want him to be it. He is a master manipulator and master of sucking the energy off people filled with good intention.
Furthermore, my sole responsibility in life is not to seek the justice I feel I deserve for the heinous acts he committed against me. I need to trust that the universe has my back and karma will do its thing, and live my life as best as I can moving forward. Be the good person I am, and do not let my light dim.
I am grateful for the support I have received, particularly from a few close friends and my work team. I made the decision to explain the situation to most of my clients because it does affect them, where I am actively being stalked and my car is regularly being broken into.
I share my story to bring awareness, and in case something worse should happen to me. I hope it does not come to that. However. Please note that on April 13, 2023, he shared this to his stories:
A joke? Not so funny in hindsight. The internet cannot keep a secret.
“To anger an honest person, lie to them. To anger a narcissist, tell them the truth.”
Please stay safe and take care. The number of people I have confidentially shared my experiences with who have told me they have gone through something similar – it is striking. Why is there little support and protection for victims? Why do these types of men know that they are above the law? Are often repeat offenders?
Show your support for someone who is struggling today. Much love. <3
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