Sunday, July 07, 2024 @ 14:24 MDT
Halfway through another year. How did we get here?
Was last year not but moments ago?
Reflecting, as I so often do.*
Preparing for an east coast visit to spend time with my family. Followed by the untimely death of my uncle. Processing. So much. Traveling to California and back to El Paso, accompanied by a dear friend along the way, to see one of our favorite musicians, Kina Grannis at the Teregram Ballroom. Adventures galore while passing through parts of Arizona and California. Perfect timing.
And the events that followed.
When you go through the rockiest moments of your life, you quickly learn who your supports really are. Where you can properly set your feet. Solid ground. Stones that do not wobble. Soft brush and branches to catch your fall. Berries to nourish. Flowers to smell. And roots that nudge you forward.
I cannot so easily forget. Please know that I am your ground and your roots as well. Roots are both foundation and system. Support and connection. Grounding. Warning. Aid. Relief.
Propeller.
Crawling out of a seemingly bottomless pit has felt nothing short of trying, and I have been tired since last year at this very time. Since well before that even. Emotionally exhausted most of my adult life. Still stuck in bed eating snacks and watching TV marathons to cope. Healthy or not? It is what my body needs for now. I allow her this.
I have been saying no more often to the things that displease me and yes to opportunities to grow. What brings me the most joy. Nature, travel, playing gigs, dearest friends, family time, kitty, reading, writing, questioning, listening, and resting.
Who am I?
This ever-pressing question from my youth returns...
Full force. Like water exploding forth from a broken dam.
Damn.
Who am I and where is home?
The second part I am not sure I will ever know.
I have written about not knowing or understanding home for quite some time now. I am. A “wanderer.” According to Sean.
I find excitement in the mysteries of life; I revel in the not knowing. Not knowing IS knowing. That is truth. When will more come to understand?
There is something so satisfying in hopping in your car, with a well stuffed bag and some blankets, a pillow and a purse, some CDs and some sunscreen, some books and a guitar not knowing where the road may take you.
Where you might sleep; might you even get any sleep; which sunset you might see; which sunrise; which purple, pink and orange skies; which phase of the moon; which stars; which flowers and trees and insects and bugs and plants; and will you stop to pull over or just keep on driving? There are lessons in both. In all.
Will you look up or look down? Or all around? Lower yourself to the level of dirt or elevate yourself to the highest mountain?
Will you play original music or cover songs? Take requests from folks present? Chat a lot between songs or not so much? Will you cry or smile?
Are you sad it all ended or grateful it happened?
Or do you struggle with much inside, finding yourself so often caught in these moments where you wish you could just erase intrusive thoughts and memories from your brain? Eternal Sunshine. Sans ending. But would that make you not you?
Happy summer.
When people say this... is it a wish or a command?
Remember – the amount of daylight is dwindling down once more. What will you do with the light and the dark you have been given?
*photos from this post are from recent travel adventures and gigs held at Open Space Brewing in Santa Clara, NM and Gene's Place in Bisbee, AZ with fellow friend and musician, Tale of Giants. Thank you for having us!
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